Monday, August 15, 2011

Officially Losing It

We're in the fricking home stretch. This is when most people start celebrating and getting excited. I, on the other hand, turn into this giant mess. I worry more, I start crying over anything and everything....like quite literally I've already cried 3x this morning. I feel like the kids (or at least Matthew) are acting out more and that's just making me want to go crazy even more. Last night he woke up at 3am crying about Nick. I tried to explain to him that it's okay, that Daddy would be home soon and when I said "I know you miss Daddy", he started crying harder (there goes 4th time crying for me this morning). I hate to see him go through that pain and I know exactly how he feels. I hate that every time they hear an airplane and ask if it's Daddy's I have to say no.

Something happened (I don't know how serious, but I assume it's really not that big of a deal, otherwise I'm sure the FRG would be contacting everyone) and Nick got moved. Unfortunately, he can't tell me why and he is back to where he was the first 3 months of deployment and will be there the remainder of the deployment. The first 3 months were hell because he had NO schedule and never got to talk to us. And in the last week, since the "incident" I've talked to him for 10 minutes one time. Before all this happened, we talked 2x a day for at least an hour online. He had just set up the civilian internet and gotten an iPhone from a friend with free text and callls set up. We finally got to webcam and he was calling almost every day. That all just got yanked away. I was relieved to finally be able to let the kids talk to him more...they were used to 5 minute talks every other week. I've missed him online 3x this week. I'm on edge.

[warning: cursing - LOL]
And my fucking neighbor. Holy fucking shit. She won't leave me the fuck alone. The other day Nick was pulling a duty (the day he talked to me for 10 minutes) and he was going to try and get online after the duty to talk to me. I knew not to expect him to get online because just like in those first 3 months, something always happens that he gets busy or he's just too tired. Didn't matter to me, I still had my hopes up and when it didn't happen, I was crazy worried. My neighbor rings the doorbell at 6:30pm and I fully expected to turn the corner to my front door and see soldiers at my door. The night before that, she had to sit there and show me all these videos and pictures of her husband (who's also deployed)..I have 3 pictures of Nick from this whole deployment...THREE. I have to hear about her talking to her husband and skyping and blah blah blah. She comes to my door frequently to ask if I've heard from Nick when he's coming home...that so-and-so's husband is supposed to be home within 30 days and that he is probably in the same unit as my husband...that the 9 month deployments are going into effect soon and our husbands are SO coming home early (BITCH, please - she obviously doesn't read up on any-fucking-thing). I'm just worn out trying to be polite and nice to her. I just want to be left the fuck alone.

And everyone is always nice to suggest that I should get out. I just can't. I hate being out and seeing soldiers. I hate the kids seeing soldiers. I hate seeing all the happy little families. Every time we go out and do something, Matthew starts talking about how he wants to do this with Daddy. And asking when Daddy will be home. It literally just tears me apart.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just have to get it out in one place. I finally came to the realization yesterday that my children acting out is probably a result of me. I feel nothing like myself. This big old piece of me is missing. I guarantee they can sense that I'm not myself. I feel like I'm making this whole thing worse than it needs to be because I'm a mess.

My mom called me the other day and usually I'm not one to tell her anything because she worries worse than me and she's kind of the type to take one little thing and go crazy with it. She sometimes doesn't understand how things work military-wise so she takes something and runs with it. lol. But anyways...she calls and I bawled for like 20 minutes to her. It felt good to have someone to talk to outloud...but then here I am a few days later feeling like I have everything pent up and need to let it out. I'm getting sick of myself whining and complaining and being a mess. I know EXACTLY how I'll feel better...unfortunately, I don't see a phone call from Nick in the near future so I have to suck it up and get over it.

Ughhh I'm seriously a crazy person...I turned into a crazy person within a week. The funny part is...I knew it was coming. This happened last deployment too. I became an emotional messy basketcase at the very end. I warned Nick a few weeks ago to prepare for me to become a little crazy and all that. I think that not hearing from him for a few days and then the lack of communication once I did hear from him just set me off. I didn't realize I was a ticking time bomb.

Anyways..I know this is long...and I know I sound INSANE. But that's okay. I had to get it out. It's scrambled and I'm not even trying to fix that. LOL. OH! And please don't feel sorry for me...I know I'm strong and I'm stronger than I give myself credit for and I know that it's probably normal for this to happen (although it's probably more normal in the beginning of deployment). I am just over it. I'm over this stupid deployment. I'm soooooooo done. I can't even imagine what I'm going to be like the week he is supposed to get home. My house is gonna get cleaaaaan. I'm not even worried about cleaning right now because I know that day is gonna take a long ass time and I'm going to be bored and antsy. lol.

1 comment:

Ross said...

A little bit of crazy in all of us is a good thing! It's called being human! Great site you have. I look forward to stopping by again.I'm visiting you for the first time from FTLOB.